Shouting.

This is a very short one. I hate shouting at my daughter. I feel like I have lost control when I do. It isnt nice. It makes her behaviour worse. Why then, do I do it, and why, no matter how hard I try, is there never a day, where my voice isnt raised at least once?  This parenting lark is really bloody difficult.

Communal Living is the way forward

I wanted to take Rachel on holiday this year. If am honest though, the idea of taking a 2 year old to somewhere we could barely afford, without the comforts of home- entertaining her all day, then sitting on my own all night- really didnt sound that much like a holiday. I considered Butlins- then realised I would rather put pins in my eyelids, although the prospect of perving at Chico could count as a guilty pleasure.

Luckily, 6 of my friends also had very similar ideas- and last week- 6 of us set off, with children in tow- to a very large house in the Cotswolds-with room for all. When I told people I was going on holiday with 6 adults, and 9 children- most under the age of 5- I got some very insincere responses. People saying ‘that will be lovely’- while barely concealed horror contorted their faces. It says something that every single parent I know, thought it was a fabulous idea.

When there are just two people in a house, even if one of them is only two- its intense. You are a tiny family unit, and as such, even though I have no shortage of friends- the relationship is one that is all consuming. You are a family unit so closely bound- that it can become isolating, and even though this little person I share my entire life with-has been speaking for less than a year-80percent of my conversations are with her, and her alone. We plan our days together, and her wishes are taken into account, in a way that they wouldnt be if there was more than one adult, or if she had siblings. When she is in bed, unless someone comes round- that is me- in the house, unable to leave-not even for a quick trip to the shop, or takeaway. There is no lying down, if I feel a bit crap- reading a book cos I feel like it- if she is awake- I am awake, and solely responsible.

The relationship that results is awesome, and amazing, and I get more of my daughter than I ever hoped possible- but it has its issues.

Going on holiday with 6 adults, and 9 kids that young, may seem like a nightmare for those of you who dont have this- but for the 6 of us, it was a godsend. When we arrived, the tightly bound intense relationship we share at home- dissapeared. She thanked me for ‘buying’ her all these children- and legged it into the garden to play on the swings with her new friends.

Our children-(Ophelia aka Monkey Face aged 2, Persephone aged 4, Betsy aged 3, Rachel aged 2, Isla aged 2, Jack aged 3, Brian aged 7, Hannah aged 5, Liam aged 5, and the teeny baby Sam-10 months), have never had so little supervision, and have never been so occupied.  For a week, there was always another adult around to talk to, to laugh at the kids with, to keep an eye on your child if you needed a shit(seriously, I value going for a shit by myself – there is nothing quite so offputting, as a two year old, copying your poo face). The kids didnt even want our company- so exciting was it, to have others the same age, to run round the garden, make dens out of beds, play on the swings, squabble with, draw pictures with. And in the evenings, the evenings that can be so crucifyingly dull at home, and which ensure that this blog is updated regularly, and that Facebook is used to its full-those evenings were filled with semi pissed slummy mummys, laughing, and occasionally skinny dipping- all the while- knowing the kids were being looked after.

Feeding time was quite interesting. It was a novelty trying to get a 17 place table set, with enough food to feed all, but to cater to all the allergies and fads- it resulted in industrial food- in great quantities- with vast quantities of cereal, pasta, and milk being consumed. But when all 6 of us were so used to doing everything alone- the assistance of other adults- ensured that there were never squabbles about housework- just 6 women glad they werent doing ALL the jobs.

All in all , this has led me to question, whether living alone with a child, is all that necessary.

Is a romantic relations really the only relationship, upon which one can build a household? In fact, is it that wise to base the life that you and your child have, on the one kind of relationship, which is statistically speaking likely to end? Given the difficulties of reconstituted families, is it even the best relationship to base this on? And is it really the best thing, to reduce your relationship to something that is overwhelmed with trivialities and domestic mundanities-especiallly when by the time you reach your thirties, you are not looking for someone to build a life with- you have a life already.

Now, I am not packing my stuff, and moving to an eco house, come hippy community, complete with yoghurt weaving, and tofu picking, any time soon(although there are several in my hippy town). I am not all of a sudden, developing a desire to grow my own potatoes, or give up my heels.

BUt seriously- surely two or three mothers, pooling their resources- to buy or rent a larger house, in which to raise their children together- is more sensible than us all existing, in our isolated houses, shouldering all the burden-with our children not getting the benefit of the many people, that larger families take for granted.

I could move in with any of the girls I went on holiday with(well maybe not Paula..) but as they are scattered round the country, and I love where I am, its unlikely- but I have to say- I wont be closed to the possibility of sharing a house with someone in future- and I am eyeing up that spare room quite differently now.

Did I really need a mirror for my flaws?

When you have a tiny baby, you may spend much of your life trying and failing to be the parent and person you want to be, but you havent yet made enough of an imprint onto this blank canvas of a child- that other people will ever know that you are anything less than the parent you aspire to. As they get older, they copy your expressions slightly, your mannerisms, and emulate you when caring for their dolls- but stil, there is no clue to the outside world, of anything apart from what you show.

Then the miracle of speech happens.

It is natures idea of a practical joke, that children develop communication before they develop reason. Once you have finished tending to the basic needs of this child in your care- feeding, bathing, dressing- you are left to teach them about the world. Unfortunately, whatever your intentions are- that teaching does not come from the wisdom you choose to impart, like a stressed out Yoda- but from them watching an absorbing everything you do or say. They judge you, not with a developed understanding of the nuances of the world- but with the unquestioning eye and black and white logic, of an unforgiving mini Dr.Spock.

This week, we have mainly been talking about swearing. The concept of swearing was introduced, when out of the blue, my 10 month old daughter, uttered the beautifully formed and enunciated word ‘Cunt’. Up until that point, I had never considered that she understood language(apart from milk, mummy and daddy)- and I did try to say to her dad that it was only his behaviour that had necessitated the use of the word in the first place- but I was suitably shamed, and realised from this point on- this child would show up every single character defect I had. Oh, how right I was.

The dreaded ‘C’ word, has not reared its head again(due to creation of the word ‘Custard’ which is a cross between ‘Cunt’ and ‘Bastard’- but which can be safely uttered around the smaller members of our society). But the theme of Rachel showing up my every flaw, has continued in earnest.

I abandoned the concept of ‘naughty words’- after I told her that ‘bugger’ was a naughty word, and it was repeated whenever said child was in a mood for mischief. My telling her that it was not nice to say ‘bugger’ was met with the explanation that it was ‘nice cos it was NORTY!’. This  showed me very clearly that an alternative strategy was needed. Although if we are honest, her reasoning is a philosophy which has served me well in many areas of my life.

The attempted removal of expletives from my own speech, as well as a refusal to give attention, when the occasional exploratory swear word came from her mouth- was very effective. No swear words, not even beautifully uttered and enunciated ones, came forth. My occasional lapses were ignored, and life continued as normal.

THen someone, not me I might add, had the bright idea of telling Rachel that words were ‘Naughty’. Yesterday, while sat in a cafe, a young man on a nearby table, was reprimanded by my two year old, for saying such a naughty word- and during the discussion that they entered into- also explained ‘My mummy says naughty words when she is on the pooter and the telephone, but she is always naughty”. Thanks snitch.

And this is what toddlers do. They absorb what you say and do, and without any reason, or understanding of concepts of discretion, and tact- they proudly show what they have learned to the outside world.

From the introduction of my boyfriend(who is also Rachels godfather, her favourite pet, and who wasnt even allowed to kiss me in front  of her for 6 whole months) to her nursery worker as ‘J, who sleeps in my mummys bed’, to very vocal questions about whether I have lost my keys again, every time we get within 5 minutes of our house. The flicking through a magazine, with loud statements that she ‘liked those shoes but that dress looks cheap’, the correction to my friend, that we did have sweeties, its just that we kept them in mummys bedroom drawer. Through to the telling of the world that ‘mummy is grumpy and needs a cup of tea cos I am a pain in the bum’.  She proudly exposes my every parenting weakness, and character flaw, to a visibly amused world.

When Rachel bumped her leg, while her dad was carrying her downstairs- I am sure the constant repetition of the exclamation ‘My daddy smashed my leg into the wall and I CRIED’, did not raise any concerns about her father(incidentally also a child protection social worker…), and I am quite sure that the proud exclamations that ‘mummy will let me have a pot noodle for tea if am a good girl'(entirely untrue- I ONCE gave her a taste out of my pot noodle-pot noodle being one of my guilty dirty pleasures in a life dominated by fair trade produce, and organic veg), or the statement that I was planning on selling her on ebay for pooing in her nappy(and I have NO clue where that one came from!It wasnt me-I always plasters on a smile when welcome with a big steaming turd!)- have never led our friends and acquantinances to question our parenting.

I am taking Rachel on holiday with 6 of my friends, and their children, on Monday, and I am in no doubt, that after a week with Rachel they will be a) making phone calls to our local social services team b) convinced that I am a woman with such loose morals, and character flaws- that I should never have been allowed to attempt parenthood in the first place! The latter may possibly right…

The cult of the princess

My daughter wants to be a princess, indeed her brothers, and certain friends encourage this by calling her a princess. Buying her ghastly clothes, with perky slogans like ‘daddies little princess’ emblazoned on the front. (ALWAYS sent to the charity shop as soon as received, and in the worst cases, chucked straight into the bin, or used as dusters- am not encouraging this in others).

Lets just clarify what a princess is. A princess is the daughter of someone, and in every fairy tale ever written- her entire value is either as that mans daughter, or as the potential wife of someone.

She has started requesting certain princess stories- Rapunzel for instance. I do tell her the story. Its just that in my version, Rapunzel realises waiting for some berk to come and use her hair as a ladder is pointless, and actually chops hair off, to a more manageable style, and makes her own rope ladder- leaving the tower a good 6 months before the  prince turns up. I tell her other fairytales with slight adjustments- you dont fall in love from a kiss, and certainly slightly more is required before committing to a relationship with the prince- never mind marriage. In my version of Rumplestiltzkin, the clever woman who guesses the mean midgets name, also gets to leave the mean old King, with the gold, and her child- and manages to live happily ever after on her own. In Cinderella, Cinders gets to keep the dress and the shoes, the Prince is told off for being so arrogant that he just assumes any damsel in the land will accept his hand, and eventually marries an ugly sister, realising that ugly and mean are not the same thing- while Cinderella and the Fairy Godmother set up their own design business. In my version, the eponymous heroines are not meek and mild, they are sharp, witty, and able to help themselves.

There are many theories about the origins of folklore, and certainly when the origins of some of our more well loved fairytales are investigated- they all contain quite disturbing themes of sexual repression, of terrible things happening when the young woman is awakened sexually(note for reader- spindle is ALWAYS symbol for penis-small penis probably, but penis nonetheless).

Yes, I hear you say- but these are just stories. But these are not stories. THese stories are so powerful, that I dont even have to explain the tales I am referring to- they are so deeply ingrained on our collective psyche, that I can safely assume that any reader from the western world, will know exactly what story I am referring to.

There are theories that the folklore and mythology of any give society, are an allegorical reflection of their own psyche, their views, their morals- and IF this is the case- then the cult of the princess needs to be tackled. I suppose if that is true of folklore- then its likely to be true for the modern equivalent of folklore- the media. Our films, our television, our fiction, our art.

I dont want my daughter aspiring to be a helpless virtuous girl- who when faced with trouble, thinks the only solution is that a handsome prince rescues her. The fact that at 2 years old, before she even has the ability to identify what a princess is(she thinks princesses eat sweeties, and have a crown)-this is her first aspiration, bothers me enough, that I will always rewrite these tales- even though by the age of 5, with, or without my influence, she will know the originals off by heart. I am sure that my rewriting these stories will cause a slight bit of friction, when she finds that mummy’s version is different…but who cares.

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Pink stinks!

I predictably swore that I would never do pink. My daughter would not ‘do’ pink. But here we are. Two loads a week. Bright pink, sugar pink, cerise, raspberry pink, peachy pink, pale pink, white with a hint of pink. Even the stuff that isnt pink, has pink fecking sequins, trims, and bindings.

I didn’t swear I wouldn’t ‘do’ pink, because I am a humourless militant feminazi. Although I am. It certainly wasnt because the idea that girls are somehow drawn to this bland, inoffensive, wishy washy colour, by virtue of being born with a uterus, was offensive to me- although it is.  It isn’t because thinking of the people who shape our nation, our minds, and our finances, standing up wearing sugar pink is absurd- although it certainly is.

I swore I wouldn’t do pink- because it is a fecking vile colour. It goes with nothing-apart from more fucking pink. The overall effect of a the obligatory pink trim, on anything, so that people are able to identify that my child is female, and is not called George- is horrible. It was a fucking vile colour when it was traditional for boys, and it remained a vile colour when boys realised, and it was shoved off to girls.

Rachel doesnt even suit pink. She looks great in red, blue, even yellow- but not pink. Yet it is almost impossible to buy clothing for a child without a penis, that doesnt have a sliver of pink, sneaked into it- somewhere, somehow.

I wish this post was original. I wish I was saying something that hadnt been said, a million times before, and that my insight into the cult of pink- was some kind of profound statement. But it isnt.

Ah, I hear you ask. You are the person controlling the purse strings- why do you buy pink? Consumer sovereignty and all that.

I try really hard not to. I will go to ridiculous extremes not to buy pink- but when 90 percent of the clothing available for girls is pink, is accented with pink, or has something pink on it- then you are left with little choice-and it slips in. When that is combined with the fact that her extended family and friends are determined to see her as some kind of princess(and am damn sure I will blog about the cult of the princess at some point- but I need to be able to do so without shaking with fury!)- the pink sneaks in. Rachel is told that she loves pink, that she should love pink- and slowly but surely, pink is becoming her favourite colour- as it is with every one of the little girls in her nursery class.   I would rant more about this subject, but I have to take a load of washing out of the machine, that looks like someone left a red sock in there.

A change of pace continued.

So the change of pace materialised again.

Walking into nursery, to be greeted by ‘Its my mummy, look, its my mummy!’, by an squealing, excited little girl, desperate to show me her new picture(which is for the wall mummy, but maybe at the top of the wall, cos there are lots of pictures now)- is just about the greatest thing in the world. Walking home, hand in hand, while she tells me I should have brought a coat, cos its a bit chilly, is beaten by nothing.

The chaos of jigsaws thrown about, and the sheer excitement of finding she has a new tea set in her bedroom (where did it come from Mummy, do you think Santa left it…I love it, but Santa is on holiday, you said).

Even the bedtime routine of ‘Mummy, I need to come and get a drink’, ‘Mummy there are spiders in my bed’, and every other desperate attempt to get me to come back up, delaying sleep, by just another minute. All brilliant.

I was wrong. I didnt need to prepare myself to change pace. The reason my life is at the pace it is at, is that it is ruled by a two year old tyrant, with blonde curls, and brown eyes. The minute my child free birthday celebration was over, and I walked into nursery. The pace changed by itself. Very happy I am about it too.

Did I mention the Sunflower has miraculously sprouted a new leaf?

Tax credits, floods, and cat poo…

(Sorry in advance- this is probably a moan).

The day starts innocently enough. Radio4, tea, Rachel squishing cereal she has no intention of eating. We discuss our plans. She thinks we should go to a toy shop, on a boat, and to the park. I agree the park, but think we should probably clean up and pop in to see my friend. Slight disagreement-is over quickly.

Then the tax credits notice arrives. I read the letter. The 4 page letter. Then the neighbour brings one that has accidentally been delivered to her house. Another four sheets of incomprehensible jargon, providing two seperate breakdowns of payments that I dont understand. The warning at the bottom suggests that I might find myself in prison being flogged by a torturer left over from Thatcherite days, and that I will have sell Rachel into slavery, if I have not notified them of any important errors.

It isnt that I am stupid- although I am nowhere near as smart as I think I am. These letters are just not even english, and follow distorted logic, that has never found it into my old philosophy books. THe payment is awarded on the basis of what I might earn, even though, as my other posts on this blog have shown- my ‘earnings’ are slightly unpredictable. It is broken down into different forms of tax credits- and the actual award isnt decided until next tax year begins. Any overpayment will be recovered swiftly- and without consideration of my selfish need to eat.

I figure it might be like parents evenings, where they cant say what they need in the school report, and maybe I need a person to explain it to dumb old me. So I ring the ‘help’ line. I listen to the menus, which each take minutes, only to find that I am a miscellaneous enquiry, which does not fit into these menus. I press 5, and it tells me they are very busy, and cuts me off. Now pardon me, but I am also very busy- and I bet they dont have a two year old demanding to put a pull up on the cat, cos he has just pooed at the bottom of the stairs.

The smell of cat poo wafts in, and Rachel starts to bore of my preoccupation with the telephone. She asks if I am on the phone to the ‘naughty lady'(she means the woman at British Gas, who I may or not have shouted at so loudly, taht even though it was 6 months ago, it is imprinted on Rachels developing consciousness). I am on hold. Then I am cut off. I redial. I go through the menus. I get through to a person, after repeating this several times. I explain that I need to discuss my award for the year, and she asks if I need to appeal. I explain I dont know, because I cant make head nor tail of it. She tells me that they won a prize for ‘plain english’- I suppress the urge to wet myself laughing. Mainly because Rachel has been upstairs for a few minutes, and is being suspiciously quiet. Partly because I am guessing that this person has been dealing with people like me all morning, and would quite like to be at home watching Saturday morning television.

My award explained- it is very simple. I will receive x amount for the next 52 weeks, on the basis of what I have told them.

I feel relieved, I go to get dressed. There are puddles on the floor and the sound of dripping water. This is clearly not good.

I go upstairs, and the bath is overflowing. I have a bath designed for two people. So it has been a while- testament to the efficiency of the tax credits helpline. Rachel has adopted a face of innocence, and explains she was helping me, by running herself a bath. I wade into the bathroom, turn off the water. I plaster a smile on my face. I go downstairs, I sit on the step, and I light a cigarette. I smoke it.

Rachel is clearly aware that there is something wrong- but I cant shout at her. because shouting only works(if ever) if its quite calmly done. If I had shouted, I think  I may possibly have sounded like one of those awful parents in precints, effing and jeffing at their frightened looking children, while dragging them along by the arm. I may not be perfect but I know enough to know, that when I am truly angry- letting rip at my daughter is not nice- especially as she barely has the cognitive development to control her own bowels. However in the absence of anyone else to get angry at, and a responsibility not to let my anger show- I am left without even the option of just sitting there seething, and so I pretend I am not.

I survey the damage. I think it will dry out. My house is now covered in every towel I own, which will need to be washed. And there will need to be considerable mopping. Rachel will have to be occupied while this happens, and we still need to go and do the jobs we already had to do. She will be upset if we dont go to the park like we promised, so that will also have to be done. My Saturday night will be defined not by glamour and excess, but mopping, washing, and cleaning. I dont get to sit and whinge, or shout. I am the adult- and there isnt another adult here, who is sufficiently mature enough to process my whinging- and if I whinge at Rachel she will think its her fault. This is the problem with being a parent. Occasionally, you have to grit your teeth, and actually make the choice to be the grown up- when you would much rather sit and stamp your feet, and shout about how unfair it is.

And I havent even tackled the cat poo. Rachel has passed out on the couch, its tiring being two.

Dealbreakers.

So I got this message. Which, in my technophobic state, I accidentally deleted. Anyway, the message asked why I didnt blog about men and relationships. I am not sure what the answer to that is really- I think they just dont puzzle me as much as other things, and quite honestly, romantic love is not the most important thing in my life.  I happen to be very lucky with the men I have had in my life, and have in my life- but unlike trying to parent Rachel, or sort my career out, or get by financially..or buy shoes…they just dont puzzle me enough that I would write constantly about them. And thats what this blog is, its me venting and rambling, about the things I am figuring out.

Sure, I have read chick lit. Where the female protagonist is in search of Mr.Right- and in order to be fulfilled- that, above all else has to be sorted- but it has never spoke to anything in me, with anything that is truthful. I watched a film called ‘He’s not that into you’ the other day.(Not even under duress, I may add!), and by the time the film had gone half way through, I had decided that unless it turned into a massacre movie at some point soon, I was switching it off. By half way through the required massacre had not appeared, and I watched Torchwood instead.

In this film were a group of arguably, the worlds most beautiful women. Jennifer Connelly(who I am sorry to say, will always be known as ‘ass to ass’ girl from Requiem for a Dream), the girl from Friends with the dark blonde hair, who used to be married to Brad Pitt, and a few others. In this film, these great beautiful women, with great careers, with great friends, were obsessed with one true love, and marriage.

The film showed a dating game that left me cold. A world of analysing texts, and waiting for someone who has treated you like shit, to call. A film where men say what they mean, and women are too stupid to take that word on face value, and where fidelity is the be all and end all= cos doncha know we all have a soul mate- and even if that guy treats you like crap- the fact that you love him, is enough to make it worth working at.

This film, and the seven gzillion films and books like it, were not about love. Not about two adults, finding a way to make each other happy, through their relationship. This was about something else entirely.

Its not that I am anti-love. I certainly am, and have, been lucky enough to experience loving people, who loved me in a way that has made certain aspects of my life  infinitely richer and happier. But the idea of one man for eternity, and if I have that sorted, I will be happy, leaves me cold to be honest.

If you treat love, as what one person whose name I dont remember called ‘an inescapable virus that should be allowed to ride roughshod over every rational instinct of self preservation and reason we posess'(and I may be paraphrasing..from god knows where) then you are asking for trouble.

I am a member of a group- its just a group of women, with similar responsibilities- namely children. None of us are alike- but a more fiery group of intelligent, bolshy, kind, remarkable women, you will never come across.  We clash, and we talk, but when the shit hits the fan- we are absolutely there(Ta for helping me buy the shoes yesterday Rach!! And to those who were on the end of the phone when Rachel was ill-you have my eternal gratitude).

We were talking about relationships- more specifically monogamy. I am aware that my views on monogamy are not shared- and that for many people- the idea that actually, there just isnt one person for everyone, and attraction to someone else isnt a dealbreaker, doesnt appeal. The thing that shocks me though, are the things that people wont treat as a dealbreaker.

When a bloke is literally leaving you to run his life, exhausted, and still refusing to do a thing as trivial as housework-even though him helping is the difference between you being able to function, and you living life on a wheel of exhausting perpetual domestic motion. When a guy is so fiscally irresponsible, that he will put your home and your childrens home, in jeapordy. Behaviour which verges on the physically, and emotionally abusive. Why is that not seen as the dealbreaker= yet either of you being attracted to someone else, is?

Divorce laws give adultery as a sole ground for seperation-yet until my lifetime you could rape or beat your wife with impunity(and lets just pretend that the law is workable, and you cant actually do those things and get away with them…..).

I dont blog about men and relationships, in the way that I suppose others do- because if I was to blog about men and relationships-these arent the things I would blog about. I dont care about 16 rules to understand a man, or make him like you. Or how to interpret things they say ‘with what they really mean’.

I care that the person I am with treats me with respect, makes my life better, that I make theirs better. If I am not with someone, its not particularly a big deal- because at the end of the day even without them I am not alone, I have a life,  a child, good friends, a purpose. If I want to know if someone I am with loves me, or respects me, I ask them. If they treat me in a way that hurts me, my child, or makes me feel shit, I tell them-and if that negative effect on my life outweighs any positive benefit they bring- then they arent in my life anymore- or their place in my life, and their capacity to do that changes.

I think I do probably blog about men and relationships really- you just cant see it. Because relationships are not supposed to be dramatic love stories, that cause anxiety and turmoil- they are part of the thread that holds our lives together. They just arent the only thread- and I certainly dont think that thread is so singularly important, that if it comes loose I should allow it to bring my life crashing down around my ears.

I do care about how to live, so that I, and the people around me, dont inadvertently hurt each other- but that wouldnt be as interesting as a glib article with ’10 signs that he loves you’- or dramatic stories about how this woman who is trying to keep her life together- really shouldnt worry about the important stuff, cos if true love is there, it will all be ok. I am a romantic- but my idea of romance is relationships that are fulfilling, and work on their own terms, without adhering to ideas where you can be treated with little respect, and watch the lives of you and your children go down the toilet, but its worth it, because its ‘true love’.

(Realised who was quoting-thanks to Marielle Frostrup-http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jul/12/mariella-frostrup)

Florence Nightingale I am not.

I knew we were in trouble yesterday, when a trip to the local swimming pool resulted in a very upset little girl, who just wanted to stand in the shower with her armbands- and not get into the pool, or go and get something to eat. I did find it quite amusing when she commented that the lady in the communal shower had hairy knickers on…and tried desperately hard not to look at the hanging tangle of grey pubic hair, that was hanging down from said womans swimming costume.

But I digress. By teatime, Rachel was burning up, and sleepy.

Now thismay seem like a minor concern- but when you have a little un with a high temperature- scare stories of febrile convulsions and dehydration run side by side, with nightmares about having to physically have your child restrained while you adminster a syringe full of foul tasting calpol/nurofen syrup, and media scare stories about Swine Flu, which you know shouldnt cause panic, but do.

But these concerns about your childs possible welfare, pale in comparison to the knowledge that you will spend the next 12 hours finding more and more inventive ways of adminstering medicine, and that the the chance of sleep for the next 24 hours is slim to none, and slim just left town.

It would help if I hadnt been a food nazi, obsessed with dental hygeine- and Rachel didnt think that fruit juice, pop, and flavoured milks, were the work of the devil. THese sugary nutritionally inadequate solutions, allow you to hide medicine in the guise of a treat and remove any necessity of brute force, instead of a distraught child, shocked at the tactics their parents employ- I assume you get a grateful child, who thinks being ill is a marvellous excuse for sweets.

By the time we got to 9pm, and Rachel was running a temp of 39(verging on A+E time). Any attempts at getting this ghastly syrup down her were met with the kind of distress which resulted in bedclothes covered in sticky syrup, and her temperature further rising, due to the outright anguish at the thought of mummy trying to get her to take this stuff.

I had tried putting the medicine into grapes, and stitching them up, a la John Carter in ER. I had made an ice cube tray filled with jelly, with a spoonful of nurofen in with it…I had mixed it with milk, water, and tried holding her down, and forcing it into the side of her mouth. The problem with brute force, is that you actually need two people- one to restrain the child and the other to shoot the medicine into the side and back of the mouth- to prevent rejection. I had tried outright bribery, cajoling, and tried to pull on the early sense of peer pressure, by saying that her friend Finn LOVED medicine. I had offered her some rather dubious mint flavoured childrens paracetamol donated by a neighbour.

Problem with Rachel, is that she is smart. She was slightly perturbed by the fact that the jelly was in ice cube form, and immediately realised that red jelly was not supposed to taste of orange nurofen- and refused. The grape was half bitten and shot across the room immediately. And getting an octopus into a pillow case would have been easier than holding her down.

So we were left with the old staples of a cool flannel sponging her down. When I am ill, and am running a temperature, I pretty much always have the chills- the same applies to Rachel. Attempts at opening windows(highly ineffective in July), using thinner covers, and wiping her down- were met with cries that she was cold.

By midnight she thought she had been in bed for days,  and that it was clearly time to get up. And so we set into the pattern for the rest of the night. I dont often complain about living on my own. I love it generally, I love having my own house, I like not being accountable to anyone else. The nights when your child is ill, however, are a different matter.

The nights stretch long, and by the time Rachel was sleeping in 20 minute bursts- common sense told me that getting some sleep was also a very good idea. The problem is that you lie there waiting for her to wake up, and as soon as you begin to drift off, she wakes again. What the baby books dont tell you, is that by the time this has been repeated six or seven times, you begin to get tired and snappy. As someone who has suffered insomnia, I know that the surest fire way of getting tired, is to be told you cant go to sleep.

When you are married- regardless of what kind of cretin you are married to, there is an adult in the house who you can be snappy to. Because the temptation is to get tired and snappy at Rachel, and it really doesnt matter how you look at it- snapping at a two year old for being poorly, is really not on.  I think this is where the image of the serene, calm, Florence Nightingale figure comes in- because by 5am- this is the facade that you are adopting- to cover the fact that your entire body just wants to go to sleep, and actually the crying is beginning to grate, and you have that kind of tiredness where you can almost feel yourself sinking into your bed, even though it is a floor away.

Rachel and I both settled by 5ish, and here is where the ultimate irony of childrens illness comes in. RAchel woke at 6.30, feeling fine, although still hot- and not understanding why I didnt want to play. She now morally objects to the insinuation that she may be ill, and this may be a good reason not to go to the park, and the library. She has assured me that if she was ill, she would take medicine, and as she is not having medicine, she is clearly not ill…

On the upside, we get to doss around the house in our pyjamas, eating sandwiches, and nibbling fruit, while Charlie and Lola plays on a loop. And Rachel gets to adminster her own medical treatment to the line up of dolls and teddies, who being poked and prodded, and forced to take her own version of medicine. Judging by her bedside manner- she should be really grateful that my impression of Florence Nightingale is slightly more compassionate and less gruesome than hers.

Did someone replace my child with Satan?

So apparently, I am a ‘mummy blogger'(according to the mouth of Rupert Murdoch that is The Times). I am assuming that means I am expected to dispense sage parenting advice, passed through generations- and share the marvels that are parenting, while impressing you all with my ability to be a domestic goddess, eternal nurturer, and general all round Madonna.(the first one, not the one who collects babies from the developing world, and boy toys from LA).
Well, it’s a good job I didnt update yesterday then. Because at precisely 2pm, I truly believed  someone had swapped my child with Satan over the weekend, and left a foundling with me, whose sole raison d’etre was to send me to the loony bin.

Now dont get me wrong, having the company of a fiercely unpredictable, smart cookie like Rachel has its benefits. BUT when your energy is flagging, or she is out of kilter- it becomes an endurance test they wouldnt inflict on prisoners of Guantanemo. When both happen at the same time, you have a situation which they couldnt show on film, because the results would be too frightening.

While Rachel says she is not a ‘feminist’, she clearly has the nature of someone who doesnt understand that there are limitations on what she can do/have. So from the early morning wake up call of ‘Mummy mummy mummy WAKE UP WAKE UP I WANT CEREAL DORA CBEEBIES’, to the screaming tantrum because I put the spoon in the cereal, instead of handing it to her… right through to the ‘I peed on the floor cos I couldnt be bothered'(for the third time in one morning), and I hate you, you are a stinky meanbag, and I want to go to the park, even though its bedtime- we were in a war of attrition.

You can go and buy books, or watch tv shows with that muppet Supernanny(who by the way doesnt have kids), and you will learn about clear boundaries, following through, remaining calm, and generally being an uber cool, detatched, controlled, caregiver- delicately nurturing your offspring with clear expectations and a firm loving hand.

You would be better off watching an old 50’s thriller, with someone diffusing a bomb, and not knowing whether the red wire or the blue wire, will be the one which sets off the explosion which will consume them into a fiery ball, and leave their liver hanging off the shop over the road. This is more akin to parenting a toddler.

Remaining calm, and communicating clearly, becomes quite difficult when you are faced with a two year old, screaming because her peach isnt green, and has a bone in it. Ah, I hear you say- offer an apple. But when the offer of an apple, is met with a meltdown beyond hiroshima, because she ‘WANTS A PEACH’- you begin to see a problem. When this screaming fit, is only one of several zillion screaming fits, for equally bizarre, and unrelated reasons, the sanity of any normal person begins to wear. When you combine that with the fact that I am not a ‘mummy blogger’, I am in fact just a normal woman who blogs, who happens to have a child,  and who was still slightly delicate from a demanding weekend in muddy fields, we begin to see a problem.

You cant even take the lazy way out, and give in, because when the request is that mummy makes it stop raining, so we can go to the park- my powers are limited. While i believe myself to be a very capable intelligent woman, I think attempting to create sunshine would be mixing up my ambitions and capabilities somewhat.

So, after two days of this seemingly endless war of attrition, I was counting the minutes till 8am this morning, when my daughter would be lovingly left in the capable hands, of those angels in blue, at her nursery, who swear she has never had a toilet accident, and is the most well mannered little girl in Christendom. And here I am, ‘mummy blogging’ and contemplating clearing the carnage left by my two year old devil.

But with the help of Dora the Explorer on a loop, playdoh, scissors, card, gluesticks, a box of teabags, and many friends on the end of the phone, I made it through alive. I shouted slightly more than I would like, and I dont think any parenting experts are going to be using me as a case study.  I wont get a medal, like the veterans of the Israel/Egypt war of attrition, and I have achieved about as much as they did. I will relish my baby free day, and by tomorrow will be pining for my little girl to be home- having completely forgotten how rubbish yesterday was.  Selective amnesia is the thing which allows us to carry on, and not sell our children on ebay(that and a handy rule from ebay, that you cant sell your child using their auction site).

So here is my ‘mummy blog’ for the day. And I am sure that I will come over all supernanny for the next installment.