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Neocoiffophobia

December 30, 2009

Neocoiffophobia. A very serious condition, for which we have only just invented a name.

The fear of trying new hairdressers.

I have had the same hairdresser, on and off for the best part of a decade. This man, has prevented me from making all manner of bad hair decisions, with a barnet that on a good day, has the proportions of Cheryl Coles hair, and the grooming and condition of Wurzel Gummidge.

He once agreed to transform my hair into a glossy red bob, and when I sat, looking perplexed at the shoulder length layered dark blonde cut that resulted, explained that I would have looked a bit of a twat as a redhead, and that bobs didn’t suit anyone. A very wise man.

He has, in the past,  agreed to see me late at night at home, when I have phoned him sobbing, after allowing a very fashionable looking young woman, at a very expensive salon in Manchester to make me look like a bad Rod Stewart impersonator. He has come to my house, after I let a mad lesbian loose on my hair with a razor comb, which I swear to god she bought out of the back of the Sunday Mirror.

When in a fit of impulse, in my last weeks of pregnancy, I ignored his advice, and got the ill advised ‘easy to care for bob'(which by the way, did make me look like a twat, and was REALLY hard to look after), he was more concerned about my hair, than the newborn infant I had taken to visit him.

I have consistently ignored his advice, I have regularly been disloyal(always resulting in disaster) and he has never tutted, even though he has a tongue as sharp as his scissors(also meaning that many appointments are waylaid, by the consumption of champagne and tea, and hours of gossip about our mutual ‘friends’). He didn’t even laugh, when I had him fix the badger like stripes left by a parisian colourist, and when times have been lean, has regularly undercharged me.

I will count this man as my friend forever, but some recent health problems, mean I will have to find another hairdresser. I have left it as long as possible, but right now, my hair would not look out of place in a pre-raphaelite painting, and while that sounds lovely- really, on a 31 year old woman, entering the second decade of the 21st century, it’s beginning to look a bit silly.

I am not someone who has many phobias, but the idea of trying out new hairdressers, and of allowing someone who doesn’t know me, probably doesn’t like me that much, to butcher my hair, while feeding me weak cups of coffee, after I have given ambiguous instructions, based loosely on a picture that looks nothing like my hair, fills me with dread.

I think I may start a neocoiffophobia support group. I might see if he will come to my new hairdressers with me, and instruct them on what to do, when to listen to me, and when to completely ignore me….

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8 comments

  1. I feel your pain. I hate finding new hairdressers. The last good one I had moved 200 miles away. Now I’ve tried out a local salon and while the cut was alright it wasn’t very interesting. Having said that I probably shouldn’t have ‘interesting’ hair.
    what’s your hairdresser’s views on fringes?


    • My hairdressers view on fringes is that they look great on others, and would suit me, but the combination of a widows peak, thick wavy hair, and chronic laziness, mean they are a bad idea. He says a hairdresser can only responsibly cut a fringe on someone, if they are sure that that person isn’t a lazy scruffy sod, who won’t maintain it…..
      Actually, it might be nice to have a hairdresser who doesn’t know me quite so well…


      • all hairdressers try to convince me to have a fringe. as I hate fringes I might try the lazy scruffy sod approach.


  2. come on over, I’ll cut your hair for you, dont do fancy hairdressing biscuits though but am up for a bit of gossip anytime. As for fringes and bobs I’d steer well clear unless you intend being a slave to the straightening irons.


  3. I have a similar fear. I normally only get my hair cut at a hairdresser once, maybe twice a year, partly out of laziness but mostly fear. Even when I do try a hairdresser, I never go back a second time. I swear I can’t hear properly when I take my glasses off and I can’t see far enough to have the added help of a bit of lip reading. I am sure I grin like an idiot, answer questions I wasn’t asked and agree to things I don’t mean to.


    • I have the same problem, about not hearing and not lip reading. last time I ende dup refusing to be embarassed and just asked them to repeat themselves while once I’d put my glasses on.


  4. I know how you feel I tend to stick to the same hairdressers for ever too, I didnt like them last time I went a few weeks ago and thought about finding someone else, but ya know, I think I will give them one last chance.


    • Well thats that. We have a support group right here. Paula, you are right about the straighteners- I have accepted my hair is wavy, adn I like it. Would love to come to france for haircut!



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