October 12, 2009

Monogamy? I was asked to write a blog post about Monogamy. What to say?

Er.. Its possibly not for me. Actually, am fairly sure its not for me. I say fairly sure, because at the tender age of 31, I accept that life may teach me a few lessons yet, and am generally wary of absolute statements that are applied to anything.

The only two rules I have ever really found had absolutely no exception were the ‘blue food rule'(there is no single exception to this- there are NO blue foods- only purple foods, and if it doesnt occur at least partially naturally, then nature did not intend it to be eaten) and ‘dont shit on the toilet while someone is bathing'(or anywhere else within vicinity of bath, including IN the bath). Shitting while someone is in the bath, is always, without exception- rude.

I generally think that as people are unique, that rules that state absolute truths, about relationships between them, are misguided at best. And I think that monogamy is one of these ‘rules’.

Now, its not that I am ‘anti’ monogamy. As human as the tendency to wander is, the tendency to jealousy, is as natural. I certainly think that if I was planning a family with someone, or dependent on them, that I might see monogamy differently.

Evidently, I once believed monogamy, living together, and building a life together, was what I needed-I got married.  I cohabited with my first serious boyfriend for 4 years. Many of those years were happy, but repeating same actions, expecting a different outcome, is the definition of stupidity. I have generally found that it is much easier to love someone because of their flaws, when you are not living in a two up two down house, and faced with them, every single day.

The problem with establishing what you want from your life, once the original beliefs about how you conduct relationships have gone- is that it leads you to question the rest of your ‘beliefs’ about relationships.

I have learned beyond ANY shadow of a doubt, that cohabitation is not for me.  Seems like a natural progression to examine other basic rules I had, and question whether they are actually rules that will make me, or the person I am with, happy.

In this country you can use adultery, on its own, as a grounds for divorce. That thing, above all others, is seen as the thing that should end a marriage. Raping and beating your spouse was fine up until a few years ago….its fair enough to behave in any manner of unreasonable ways- but god forbid one of you is unfaithful. And here is the thing, there are many many things that I would be bothered by.  I would be bothered by being treated in a way that was disrespectful. Abusive. In a way that made me feel bad.  But am I bothered by what happens when I am not there…? No.

If there is any rule that should be adhered to with a relationship, its that we should stop with the absolute ideas of what how relationships should look.  Falling in love is a wonderful thing- two unique people coming together, and becoming the most important person in the others world, is pretty remarkable. When that happens, those two people should be figuring out what each other needs, to make each other happy. The rest is window dressing.

I am not looking for someone to build a life with. I have a life. I like it. I want to be with someone because I love them. Because they love me. In whatever way we choose. As two whole people, not two halves of one.

I think fidelity in a relationship is important, but only in so much as a promise is made. And when a promise is made, it should be honored. I just dont think that monogamy is a promise I want to make. And I dont particularly want it as a promise made to me.


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