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For posterity-possibly dull for those who dont have kids.

September 8, 2009

Ok, so this blog is an ongoing narrative, right? I have no more clue about what I will write about tomorrow, than I have about what will happen tomorrow. Sometimes its about things that have peaked my interest, sometimes about my life. Well today, its about the realisation that if I dont have some kind of record, I might forget what it was like to have a two year old in the house.

We got a letter from the school that Rachel will be attending. They would like her to start pre-school in January, although I can put this off till September of next year. This is not a surprise really, not on any real level. Its not like the letter fell from the sky, I mean, I bloody registered her there, and discussed the starting dates. Its just that it is all going so bloody quickly.

One minute I have a newborn, and I am getting to grips with how you manage to have a bath, when this baby is permanently attached to you, and the next you have this independent person, and are thinking about uniforms.

I reacted quite badly to the letter, and had visions of my baby becoming part of the processing machine that is full time education, walking into a big world, over which I have no control. I think this may be a little melodramatic. Her dad is very keen for her to start- its a pre-school/foundation joint group, so wont be that much different from nursery, and she will be with the kids who will form her peer group for the rest of primary school.(Get me- peer group-you can tell am social worker).

It all just seems so young- am sure I read that in places like Scandinavia they dont start kids in formal education till they are about 7, so 3 and a half seems quite young to be donning a uniform, and walking into those school gates-however much like nursery it is. My ex, and my friends think that this is about me, not wanting to let go of my baby, and if it wasnt for the word school, I wouldnt be panicking. I think they are probably right.

Its like an ongoing process of seperation. You give birth, and you feel like you are wearing your heart on the outside, and this baby that has been inside you for nine months, all of a sudden feels very vulnerable, and the world feels like it has a lot of sharp edges-which its your responsibility to protect her from. You wish away the newborn stage, because you are tired, and then before you know it, in a matter of weeks, its gone. Then all of a sudden this baby starts learning things, and from the moment they can crawl- they are off trying to explore the world by theirselves. Then you are wishing away that, because you havent slept in a while, and poof, its gone. And instead of your chubby baby, you have this mad reckless toddler- but the baby is still there. Kind of.

Then all of a sudden, I see a toddler, and every one else sees this little girl, who appears to have lost all traces of baby. Who has an identity of her own, her own friends, is capable of getting her own bloody cereal, and you are not sure where it went.. I remember primary school- it wasnt terrible- but seriously, what if she doesnt like it. What if she gets picked on. What if she picks on someone else? What if she just isnt ready. My memories of primary school, which were fond till this week, have now become memories of a playground jungle, which you need at least 18 years SAS training to prepare for.

I could go on, in this very dull way, which I know is only interesting to me- but I will spare you. Think I need to discuss it further, and get used to the fact that you dont actually have a child, who is your posession. You are given responsibility for this person, and your job is to manage the process of seperation, and prepare them to become adults in their own right. I just dont want to wake up when she goes off to do whatever she will do, and go ‘whoops, I missed it’. It would be nice if any single stage lasted long enough to really make the most of it.

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2 comments

  1. It would be nice if you could go back to properly enjoy the different stages too, instead of just muddling your way through it. I agree totally with this post. I feel like that.

    Max is in a FS unit too (I hate that word, unit, makes it sound like a prison) and it is informal and lovely. She’ll love it.It’s seeing them in a little uniform that just breaks your heart a little bit.


    • It just seems that you figure out how to deal with a stage- then its gone, and you get left to figure out the next bit.



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