Follow these 14 simple tests before you decide to have children.

August 19, 2009

Test 1 – Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto
the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly
totheir head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2 – Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about
theirmethods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
Suggestways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits,
training, table manners and overall behaviour.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have
all the answers.
Test 3 – Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet
bagweighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or
other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go tosleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4 – Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5 – Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into t
he CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 – Going For a Walk
Go out the front door.
Come back in again.
Go out.
Come back in again.
Go out again.
Walk down the front path.
Walk back up it.
Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every
piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps.
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until
theneighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7 – Communication
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 – Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate
Test 9 – Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a=2
0bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them
intothe swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls
on the floor.
Test 10 – TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles,
Barney,Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11 – Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on
clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto thefloor
& leave it there.
Test 12 – Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ repeatedly.
Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy.
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 – Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt
sleevewhile playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is0a
child in the room.
Test 14 – Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work
Test 15 – Sex life
1. You and your partner try to sleep a night at the nearest train
2. Try to have sex in the morning without anybody noticing.You are now
ready to have children. ENJOY



  1. […] This post was Twitted by slummymummy1 […]

  2. All of this is so true…although I wouldn’t change it for the world 😀

  3. This was possibly the truest and funniest account of motherhood I have ever read, thank you!

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