This is blatantly plagiarised from my friend Wolf Closterman(yes, that is his name, and you, sniggering up the back should really stop…). For the benefit of anyone who didn’t watch Torchwood, and who feels they wish to know what the fuss is about, Wolf has created this detailed synopsis for you.
”Here we go: Children on Earth, a summary
Aliens turn up.
Aliens: hey, UK, you know back in 19-whenever it was, when we came last time, and you gave us a “gift” of 20 kids no one would miss?
Shady Civil Servant: Yes, but we don’t like to talk about it.
Aliens: We want MORE kiddies. They’re like crack.
Shady Civil Servant: Er, no?
Aliens: SILENCE! I KILL YOU!
Shady Civil Servant: OK, OK, we’ll see what we can do
Torchwood: La-de-da, we’re going about our business all innocently
Shady Civil Servant, to PM: Excuse me Mr PM, these aliens have turned up. They might tell people that they were here before and we gave them kids. Can’t have people finding that out.
PM: You’re quite right. Kill everyone that knew about it. But I didn’t say that. I like fluffy kittens.
Shady Civil Servant: OK. Excuse me, faithful assistant?
Faithful Assistant: Yes?
Shady Civil Servant: Please have these people killed. Joe Nobody. Fred Nobody. Oh, and Torchwood.
Faithful Assistant: Er, OK (sends email, reading “Kill these peoples”)
Joe Nobody: Is ded
Fred Nobody: Is ded
Mahoosive bomb: ASPLODEY!!
Torchwood: Ouch. But, you know, you missed.
Civil Servant: Darn.
Aliens: WHERE ARE OUR KIDS?! I CAN HAS KIDS NAO?
Civil Servant: We can give you … er … four. That no one will miss. Is that enough?
Aliens: NO! I KILLL YOU! WE WANT ELEVENTY BILLION CHILDRENS!
Civil Servant: All right, all right. We must call a secret meeting of lots of important people.
Secret meeting: We must choose who to give them. Er. Give them all the thickos.
Police: Oi! Thicko children. Get into this bus, all of you, we’re going to give you to the aliens.
Parents: OI! No takey our childrens!
Police: Shut it, you, I hit you with sticks.
Aliens: OOOh, yummy. Childrens. Yum. We use them as drugs you know. Cos we’re terribly evil.
Torchwood: NOOO! You no takey childrens!
Aliens: OK, I KILL YOU!
Whole building: I ded.
Ianto Jones, member of Torchwood, boyfriend of Captain Jack Harkness: I ded.
Captain Jack: Hello. My name is Captain Jack Harkness. You killed my boyfriend. Prepare to die! (Valiantly runs away)
Aliens: Childrens. Yummy. Yum yum yum.
PM: Excuse me, Civil Servant bloke, we’re going to feed your two lovely daughters to the aliens
Civil Servant Bloke: Er. Very good, Mr PM. Thank you.
Civil Servant Bloke: Escuse me childrens, and lovely wife, I need to tell you something.
Childrens: Yes Daddy?
Civil Servant Bloke: Um. Look into this.
Childrens: Is that a gun, daddy?
Civil Servant Bloke: No no. It’s a kitten. *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*…. *BANG*
Childrens: is dead.
Wife: is ded.
Civil Servant Bloke: is ded.
Captain Jack: Right, I can stop the aliens by using this macguffin here. All I need is one expendible child, who will die horribly. Now, where is my grown-up daughter who was introduced at the very beginning of this episode for no apparent reason, and my cute blonde haired grandchild? Oh, there you both are.
Grown up daugher: No, don’t do it, Dad!
Captain Jack: sorry, I have to. Blonde haired grandchild, stand there, and I’ll give you a kitten.
Blonde haired grandchild: OK, Uncle Jack. I wuv you.
Captain Jack: That’s nice, now just wait there while I turn on this microwave oven.
Grandchild: is ded.
Aliens: are ded.
Grown up daughter: Tut
Jack: oh, no, I shall run away to the stars!